Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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