I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She is in my trunk
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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