so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
