I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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