he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
