Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
