I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
