dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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