You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
