We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
