you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
