I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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