I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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