Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
