woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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