it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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