Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
