There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
