i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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