By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm at about main and main street
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
