we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
