How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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