dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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