Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
grandma shit on top of the toilet
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
