All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
