Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
