i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she smelled like a LAN party
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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