dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
