i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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