My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
time to smoke my breakfast
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
