Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
how do you play pong handcuffed?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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