i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My ATM looks so different sober.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
