I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
