1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
