They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
