I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
