so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
