If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize