This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
