trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
