Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
