All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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