I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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