Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
