Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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