I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Randomize
