In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
