At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
