She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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