i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize