i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
