Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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