I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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