I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
