He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
40s are totally the cure
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
