I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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