So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
