if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
