i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
