Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Dick very happy bro
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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