my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
