So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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