Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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