I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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