you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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