i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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