Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
